DICTIONARY OF DOG WORDS...
BATH: This is a process by which the
humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking
vigorously and frequently.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise
machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic
benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run
alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes,
and you prance away.
BUMP: The best way to get your
human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which
affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out.
Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite
direction, or lying down.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface,
such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch
in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your
persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as
you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on
their laps.
DUSTBIN: A container which your
neighbours put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your
hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you
are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and
mouldy crusts of bread.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to
the command "Sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an
evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
LEAD: A strap which attaches to your
collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense
affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show
your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in
return.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are
to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa
and wipe your whiskers clean.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when
you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs
rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times until your person makes you
stop.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the
world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms,
so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably,
panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled
with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over
the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes
home.
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